LOSE YOURSELF

I tell you this
to break your heart,
by which I mean only
that it break open and never close again
to the rest of the world.

Mary Oliver

September 10th, 2024

In love, polarity becomes starker with the vulnerability it creates. My heart cracked so wide for this being. In that opening, I became fearful of what could happen if I lost him. I reminded myself that grief and love are the same, just opposite ends of the spectrum. You can’t have one without the other. The goal is balance, presence.

The other day, I was thinking about how old I would be when my son turns 40. How much I want to be around to see his life. I started crying at the thought that I wouldn’t be able to see all of it. When I looked down at him, he was smiling at me. That newborn smile I never knew the power of until recently. He was present, smiling, because he was here right now. I was crying, because my mind was worrying about something very far away in the future.

February 4, 2025

Simón turned 6 months old yesterday. I didn’t know it would be like this. I didn’t know it could be like this. So sacred. So joyful. So fun!

They say "don’t lose yourself” after you’ve had a child. But, why not? The immense transformation that takes place during pregnancy, labor, birth; everything changes. You are not the same anymore. I feel like I gave birth to a new version of myself. A version I knew was out there but couldn’t be without help.

Sometimes we need something outside of ourselves to facilitate change, and that’s okay. That is co-creation, that is connection. Last year, I wrote about allowing for change. In order for me to be the mother I wanted to be, my life had to change. My child demanded it! And, he is currently asking for the best version of myself. And, my god, it’s not easy. But, I am trying, and, honestly, I think I’m doing a good job. But, I was so scared. Omg. If you look back and read what I wrote while pregnant, I was so scared. I didn’t think I would do a good job - I didn’t think I was healed enough. But, if not now, then when? Shed it, shed it all. All those layers that aren’t serving you anymore. Get rid of the gunk. The muck. I look at that earlier journal entry above, and I want to take such good care of myself. Because without that, then I can’t take care of him. I want to let go of the pettiness I have lived in day to day: getting mad for no reason, not communicating clearly out of fear, wants that don’t matter. What matters? What is sacred?

Last summer, I dreamt about this young couple. They were so cool, so in love. They were beautiful. I was talking with them, and I got déjà vu. I looked at her and said, “I’ve had this dream before. And in it, you both die.” She looked at her partner, she looked at me. There was a sadness in their eyes but they were calm and at peace with the news I had just shared. She said, “Can I tell you what I’ve learned in this life? Everything must come from love. Wrap everything in love.” There was this grey shaggy jacket, very ugly, honestly. But, I put it on, and I could feel love emanating throughout my entire body and beyond.

February 11, 2025

I keep coming back to presence. Presence is always the answer, and it is always where the answer is. Throughout my life, I have learned to get there by different means: yoga, The Class, meditation, travel, walking, cooking and eating well, House Play, writing, painting, horseback riding.

But, now with Simón, I am seeing everything in a whole new light. Everything is new for him and through his discovery, it becomes fascinating to me, too. He is so excited when he wakes up in the mornings! He bounds up and down every time we go outside. He could stare at a flower for hours.

April 10, 2025

I remember thinking during labor 1) Why doesn’t anyone tell you how hard this is? 2) Why would anyone ever do this more than once?

Yes, it was hard and extremely painful, but I would do it all over again tonight, tomorrow, and again and again if I had to. This child was a real leap of faith. And, my god, thank god for him. My whole heart. My whole being. I see him in everything. He is everything. I get that way with Apple, too. Something about the purity of babies and animals. Their essence exudes out of them, there’s no stopping it. They are fully connected to it all. We all are. But most of us have become so distracted that we can’t see it anymore.

Having a baby made me drastically look at my life and cut out what wasn’t serving me. I have lost myself in the best possible way and will continue to do so.

Lose yourself, lose it all. And in it, find love. Love yourself, love it all.