PARADISE
If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Willy Wonka, Pure Imagination
~
Lucky is the soul whose only troubles are self-inflicted.
Elizabeth Gilbert
It’s been almost two years since I moved back to LA. A very uncomfortable two years of things not looking how I thought they would. And where it’s certainly no fault of the city’s, it has yet to convince me that it’s where I’m supposed to be. But, the fact of the matter is, this is where I am right now.
When you aren’t content with where you are, how do you find stability? I’ve had to look at my life and see if I’ve ever felt content with what I have, or if I’m continuously searching for something outside of myself to make things better. If that’s the case, I won’t ever get there.
We have been looking for months to move, within LA, but to a bigger place, in a different neighborhood that’s closer to family. I’ve been putting so much energy into finding this new place, but what if it doesn’t come before baby? Can I be okay with where I’m at? And, how can I make my current home work, because at this point, it’s my only option. And, why am I so desperate to move, if I’m not even sure I want to stay in LA??? I am going to move again, commit to another year here, and hope it might make things a bit more comfortable? Maybe it will. But, I don’t know that. So, in surrendering to where I am now, why not trust that I am exactly where I need to be? What do I have to lose? Hopefully some stress and desperation.
I often think that if I don’t have everything I want, then I’ve failed in some way. But maybe everything I desire exists here and now. It just looks different than my bigger dreams. Maybe in some microcosm of a way, I do have those things already; I’m just not utilizing them because they aren’t how I thought they’d be. I have to work a little harder to see them; I need to take more responsibility to nurture them.
On July 31st, I’ll be 10 months pregnant. In reflecting on this time, I made a list of some things I’ve either learned (am still learning) or was reminded of ~ some things pregnant, some things just life-related:
First of all, pregnancy can last for 10+ months. A baby born at 9 months is considered early.
Pregnancy can be very hard. The lack of information I knew going into it was astounding. If anyone wants to talk about it, please feel free to reach out.
Everyone’s experience is different. If someone you know is pregnant and they’re having a difficult time, do not tell them how much you loved being pregnant. This was told to me multiple times and felt like some of the most unsupportive information I could have received.
The universe will not hand me a challenge I cannot handle.
My body is designed to heal.
Be gentle with yourself in all the changes.
Support your friends; we live in a very lonely society. A simple text to check-in goes a long way. Do it often.
Animals are the best. Without our dog Apple, I would be in a very different mindset right now. She has been my closest companion during this time.
Learn how to ask for help and actually ask. Be very clear on your needs and boundaries.
Try and see the joy in life. It is truly all around and extremely easy to miss.
Let go of resentment and understand the truth in a situation. And, if you can’t get to the truth of the matter, do not make assumptions of what you think it is.
Prepare your freezer and pantry with as much food as possible for postpartum.
If you have a partner, support them as best as you can. Things will change a lot for both of you and it is hard to understand what the other is going through ~ on both sides. If the only support you can give is emotional, give it. And, communicate clearly.
I am so grateful to say, that as difficult as this pregnancy has been for me, I have never once blamed the baby. Nothing is the baby’s fault. Everything coming up is my own, and I make it clear to him that they are burdens he does not need to take on; they are my own, and I am working on them.
Connect with new moms. Their empathy and support are fierce.
Sitz baths do wonders.
Learn to advocate for yourself and say no if something doesn’t feel right. I am fortunate to have a birth team that aligns wholly on my values, but I have still needed to educate myself on my rights and power in every situation.
Always, do you.